Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
