I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
