walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
