there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Randomize
