Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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