11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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