considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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