Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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