My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
