i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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