she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize