You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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