I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
