I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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