turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
