Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
