just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
