it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
How does one acquire holy water?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
