TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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