my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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