Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
