to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
