I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
We named our party play list daddy issues
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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