if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
