4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Randomize
