she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
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