remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
