I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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