I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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