omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
