You just made me feel so damn special
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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