WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
