new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
