I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
