I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
