goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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