At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
