She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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