you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
