i think my tv is drunk
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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