I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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