i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
