I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
