i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
