In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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