i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
