a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
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is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
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If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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