Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
