tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
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