When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
