He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
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