I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
