good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
