The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
