Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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