i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
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