6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Randomize
